Release

So Thursday night I did something that I really needed to do; I cried. I purposefully read certain stories that I knew made me cry. The theme this time: being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings. I don't know what it is exactly that makes me cry while reading certain fics and not others, but I know that they achieved something that I wish I could have: to find the one thing that makes me feel complete. I still believe in the magic of love, that love is something that can't be substituted by anything else. And I feel like I have not felt this ever - the feeling that I would die for someone or something. I don't want to be overly obsessed with something, or to be addicted to it, but rather to be, for once, not selfish.

Though I am not myself suffering from any great unrequited love (though it was interesting that on Friday I ranted to someone about how my girl crush, Ana Ivanovic, is homophobic and that makes me sad), I purposely made myself cry to release all the stress I had from balancing the 15-page paper for Archaeology and the thesis that I ended up turning in 15 min. before it was due. And you know what? I was so damn happy Friday morning that I was beaming. Because I am spoiled, blessed, selfish, but at least I can still feel. And the sun was bright, and the weather was nice and I am enjoying my life with more happiness, a deserved joy for the blessed life I have had so far.

Too bad Friday night sort of ruined that feeling, when I got so wasted that I ended up throwing up. And I had to make people look after me, and started to stress over that. The concert last night, though, was amazing. I wish I could improv like that. I wish I could have been a great composer. I wish I had an awesome voice.

I am going into pharmacology, which will be interesting but never more than a job. I am going to Seattle, which will never be more than a city with people and opportunities. I will continue to be a sports fan, a place that breaks or makes dreams come true, where people can do what they love and not worry about doing other jobs to support their passion, who get to achieve what I won't get to achieve...