Monthly Outlook: October 2008

Recap: U.S. Open was interesting and all right. Then I started school in Seattle. Did a few fun things. Leeched off my brother. Spent a lot of money on necessities. Picking a rotation was stressful, and not knowing how to do anything was a bit embarrassing but more annoying. Hopefully I will remedy my uselessness in this lab by the end of this rotation. I actually blogged a lot last month, so that means that I didn't do very much...

Outlook: October is when I start really having stuff to do for school. Stuff in lab will hopefully start rolling, while I'll start getting more HW and tests. One of my classes ends at the end of this month. Have my 21st birthday coming up! I hope to start learning French (bought some French self-teach books) and to start practicing more on the oboe in preparation for playing in a school band winter and/or spring quarter. My TV will finally be getting set up so I'll get to watch tennis! Very exciting! I might also try to meet some people outside of my department, but we'll see how that goes...

Events/Activities: UW volleyball games (most important one this Sunday!), UW soccer games, tennis and soccer matches on TV, checking out some of the parks/museums, Seattle Symphony Orchestra concerts, UW grad student, etc. social events for the free food (hahaha)

Goals: to restrain myself from buying too much food, to learn some French, to keep up with school work, to get presents for people's birthdays

More Life Notes...Because...

1. I haven't made any "friends" in Seattle yet. Not anyone that I'd call up and say "Hey let's hang out!" And no one's invited me yet. But that's ok...
   
2. It's been 2 weeks in Seattle already! How time flies!
   
3. I wasn't completely a loser this weekend. I went to the UW women's soccer game on Friday and to the Seattle Symphony concert on Sunday. The former by myself, the latter with my brother. I also enjoyed the weather and went to Gas Works Park! It's only about a mile away from where I live, and has a great view! Got my own grassy space, sat on the hill and tanned (forgot the sunscreen, which was bad), spaced out, and wrote some stuff down because...
   
4. I had one of the cheesiest romance plots stuck in my head. So I wrote down some of the dialogue and now I hope it doesn't haunt me for a while.
   
5. Talking about cheese, I am listening currently to more of Huang Yi Da. I don't know what it is about him, but he's like the only Chinese pop-artist that I can stand. Very strange.
   
6. I suddenly got all inspired and have been reading a bunch about other bisexuals. I think I'm going to try to meet some other bisexuals. I think it's "natural" to want to associate with people like you, so I'm going with the flow, I guess.
   
7. I finished the book "The Gift of Fear". Besides the tone of some of the writing, which kind of lumped the audience (or reader) into one like-minded, same kind of thought-process group, it was great. It's not a work of art, but it's quite practical and yet inspiring to me. Maybe the tone is typical of those self-help books, but what I found fascinating were the people's stories, and the way he lets you see things through his eyes. I totally feel more confident in myself now, which is awesome.
   
8. Which is also good, because I think I'm reverting a bit to my ways of seclusion. But before college, I wasn't really unhappy spending most of my time by myself. And I still talk to people through instant messenger. I kind of want to go back to being able to amuse myself. Because my not-so-much of a "revelation" was that...
   
9. I am totally a narcissist. Ultimately I love my mind, my body. There are things I would like to change, of course, but they are more like "this would make things easier on me" than "this part of my is butt ugly". Well except for my knees...just kidding! I think besides my non-flat stomach it's the part I like the least - but I don't hate it anymore, not like in high school. And my issue with clothes now is more like "That doesn't show off the good traits of my body" or "That slogan sucks" and less "That totally makes me look fat".
   
10. But I do love other people too, so I guess that's a contradiction? I love the women finalists at the China Open and the two men at Bangkok. Too bad the ones I wanted to win more, Sveta and Novak, both lost. But I'm not upset. Just want Sveta and Novak to get their heads back on track...
    

Ana Won! And Life Notes

1. Ana comes out with a nice win over Alize Cornet! Finally!
2. In a few weeks I'll have TV set up (stupid Comcast is full of servicing, ugh, should have called them earlier) and I'll be able to watch tennis again! Because most of the tennis is happening at night, while I am SLEEPING. Which means that I can't livestream it (not like my internet connection is that great). So once I have DVR I will be tennis-watching like mad. And probably watching a bit of soccer and volleyball.
3. Talking about soccer, UW's women's team is ranked 21 currently. Will probably check out their game tomorrow...
4. Damn, I can't believe I have HW. But all take-home tests so far...which is pretty awesome. And it's not like we are learning anything "hard". I think it'll be more of a problem of remembering rather than understanding.
5. It's quite awkward not knowing anything and following one of the people around the lab again... Let's say that the lab organization doesn't quite make much sense, but I guess my old lab was the same way. But somehow I managed to talk to someone in my lab about tennis. I am such a loser...
   
6. My license came in the male and I have another vertical license. Isn't that exciting...
7. I feel like I need more gay friends. Or maybe just someone to makeout with. I don't know.
8. I am totally not eating enough food, and I really really want crackers. I am sleeping a lot and managing not to do enough "exciting" things at the lab to really keep me engaged and awake. I totally am going to bed at like 10:30 again and waking up at 8:30.
   
9. Tomorrow is Friday, and finally the weekend that I really need. So I can go shopping and buy some junk food, go to that concert on Sunday, buy my Dad a present.
10. I need yarn! So badly. My hands are so itchy. And I want to knit a purple cardigan for some reason...
    

Bisexuality Day! And Spandex

Happy Bisexuality Day! I totally did not know it was today until a friend informed me, and she found out from Google. So hopefully I remember this holiday next year, and do something fun, like wear a rainbow or something...

Life is interesting but not really, and every day on my walk to and from school I get passed by a large amount of bike riders. Which makes things quite interesting, especially if they are wearing spandex. Let's say I've been having an inner debate on whether or not the spandex pants are a good thing. On one hand, I get to see clearly defined upper legs and butts. On the other hand, they are clearly defined. It's a bit too disturbing for me at this moment. But I guess I'll get used to it... But I don't see myself wearing that anytime soon!

Class starts tomorrow, and I'll be starting real lab rotation work tomorrow as well. I still need to buy another notebook or three, and I don't have butter, but I've recently bought a bunch more food so life is slowly getting better! Buying food makes me happy. Anyway I hate not having the classes bunched together. And when am I going to eat lunch? Stupid class...

I know what I want.

I know what I want right now. I want to play tennis. I want to flirt with hot girls. I want to eat some crackers. I want to watch tennis.

This all means that I have to do a lot of things tomorrow. First up, driver's license. And then some major task-finishing. I still can't believe it took me like 4 hours to put together the dresser I bought from IKEA...

What Do I Want?

What do I want? I want to know what I want out of my lab rotation. I want to know if I want to dedicate myself to a career and what career that would be. I want to want things enough that I don't have doubts.

I also want to be less shy about myself and about my living situation. I need to "care" less about real things - I need to not care if other people are in the kitchen when I want to use it, how loud my neighbors may or may not be, if I'm actually being social enough or doing enough things. I need to care about being happy, healthy, safe. I need to also remember to study more Croatian!

Because of Orientation I've been very stressed out. Thus I miss knitting more than ever. I still need to set up the TV, do a few chores like get my driver's license and buy some non-vegetable foods like milk and butter and cheese, set up and clean my room. I need to write some stories or some music or draw or something creative. I need to also stop being randomly emo - hey I learned that stress can cause people to feel more depressed than usual, maybe that's what's happening...

Sports! Davis Cup is happening this weekend and I should have set up my cable TV before this weekend so that I could watch it! But whatever, I am happy that Mario won his DC match and Serbia are back in the world group (are up 3-0 in a best of 5). And seeing some photos, Janko is so pretty... So jealous... Also, UEFA Champion's League started up again and Atletico got off to a great start! Kun is amazing once again! And also I went to a volleyball game yesterday. Was fun - would have been more fun with my sister! Oh well... Two weeks it's Cal and Stanford! So looking forward to that (esp. seeing Alix and Cynthia and Foluke in person!).

I wasn't prepared for this...

Orientation for grad school is going on and I don't really know what I want to do. Things are happening and I feel like I'm not ready for a lot of this research. Then again I know I'd learn the stuff better on the job. I know this stuff will be interesting, but still...it's kind of like dating an I'm not so sure how stuff is going to work out. And I haven't even been on a date.

Met 2 people in the apartment complex so far. One girl from Indonesia yesterday and a guy today who said my stuff "smelled good" but I'm sure he was lying. I had broccoli and green peppers for dinner! I know, I suck. I'm going to have a banana later.

I like the other people so far. Everyone is nice. But shit here is expensive! I'm not used to that yet. So we'll see how the budget goes. Can't spend too much money on the yarn...

I am going to Seattle tomorrow.

And thus begins my 9.5-hour or so odyssey. That is really like 12 hours. Damnit. And then orientation the next day at 8:30 AM. I am fucking screwed. Oh well.

I'm too excited and I won't be able to sleep. I hate when that happens. But once my stuff gets checked in I'll be pretty happy. On my own! Pretty cool, huh?

U.S. Open 2008 Final Thoughts + Hopes For the Rest of the Tennis Season

With yesterday's final (delayed because of rain on Saturday), the U.S. Open is finally complete. Multiple slam-winners beat non-slam winners. Tennis world-order was somewhat restored. But I rather it be in chaos.

Youngsters showed that they can get it done (Del Potro, Cilic, Nishikori), but veterans also showed that they have grit (Jankovic, Federer). There were some cinderellas (Gilles Muller, Julie Coin) but the top seeds did pretty well (1, 2, 3, 6 on the men's side; 2, 4, 5, 6 on the women's side). Safina, Murray, and Del Potro lived up to their summer hype (good runs by them all), while Gilles Simon may have also done well if he hadn't run into Del Potro. It was somewhat interesting, but I knew it wasn't going to live up to the Australian Open or the French Open, which were seriously crazy. But as the last slam of the season, the really big prizes are wrapped up and those who qualified for the year-end championships will cruise along (men play the indoors MS because of requirements) until that final event. And Fed Cup and Davis Cup finals are always great fun too.

So my goals for some of my favorites:

Amelie Mauresmo - She has said she is going part-time, so I'm not sure what she'll be playing. But hopefully she can put together a few more quarters and semis, if she does play some more this year. The lead up to the U. S. Open was promising, and the 4th round run at the Open wasn't so bad (except for the double faults!). Just have fun out there!

Ana Ivanovic - She needs matches! She needs to regain confidence in her forehand and hopefully get good results leading up to the year-end championships. I don't expect any titles from her, but some quarters and semis will be pretty good.

Andy Murray - It would be awesome if he did as well as he did last year in the indoor season. But since he was awesome and surpassed expectations, I'm just along for the ride. Keep up the good work!

Dinara Safina - She has also surpassed expectations. Just take it easy and don't let pressure get to you. Good job!

Jelena Jankovic - I want her to take a vacation and get stronger, but she probably won't. Alas it would be nice to see her win another title this year, but no pressure.

Jo-Wilfried Tsonga - I hope he can get confidence back and play as nicely as he did at Australia. It'll take time, but some quarters would be nice.

Marin Cilic - He has some points in the Asia swing which would be nice to defend so that he gets into Australia next year as a seed. But no pressure - would be nice to see some more quarters and semis! And keep Croatia in the World Group!

Mario Ancic - I hope he isn't still sick. If he is back for Davis Cup, then I hope he gets to play. But no pressure. Most importantly just stay healthy. PLEASE.

Novak Djokovic - I don't really care what he does for the rest of the season, but I want him to be HAPPY. Please don't think about defending points, winning titles, media. Think about keeping Serbia in the World Group and winning matches one at a time, believing in yourself, and if you need a break PLEASE TAKE IT!

Svetlana Kuznetsova - I think she needs to figure out how to deal with her nerves and emotions. Maybe playing some matches would help, and getting to the year-end championships would definitely make her feel better, but I think she needs to forget this year and think not about tennis for a bit, maybe.

I almost love the WTA more...

...because they care less about being "polite" and "PC" then the men. Who would have thought?

I actually like Maria Sharapova as a person. She's sort of the "Novak" of the women's tour. Except that the tour isn't "PC" and the Williams sisters and Jelena are also part of some trashing/bashing. I just don't like watching Maria mostly because of her shrieks. And there was also a backlash against her because she was considered the "next best thing" by American media once she won Wimbledon and poor girls who had just as awesome runs like Sveta or Anastasia Myskina (who is way hotter than Maria Sharapova in my opinion) were shafted. Sveta won the U.S. Open, and yet it was all MS. Maybe because MS won her slam first, but really because she won Wimbledon and that she was considered "hot". Hot at 16/17? I think she is hotter now because she doesn't look like a kid. I cringe when I see older pictures of her from Wimbledon 2004 and wonder how the media could be such pedophiles and get away with it. I also have many unjustified reasons for not liking people. I, for some reason, didn't like Justine and didn't want her to be that dominant, despite liking her game. The Williams sisters bring great athleticism to the game but I also can't stand their shrieks most of all, and then some of their attitude. Jelena rubbed me the wrong way the first time I saw her, but her smiles drew me in and though she'll never surplant Sveta, Amelie, and Ana on my list I still like her enough to want her to win. I didn't like Nicole Vaidisova for beating Amelie and I still haven't recovered (though I am fine with Lucie Safarova, huh). I still don't like Tatiana Golovin either, while Elena Dementieva has said some out-of-place things but I somewhat like her (a little of the non-PC is probably why). And Viktoria Azarenka's grunt still bothers me and it's also hard for me to watch her play because of that. And poor Daniela, who I didn't like because her anorexia bothered me and the fact that she's out there competing for top spots against my other girls - hard to like them all. Her game, and really none of the top players have that bad of games. I think the tour is going to get better once they are over this "power beating out crafty people" movement.

Anyway, I just realized that if the ATP Tour becomes a "farce" that bashes Novak without care (aka all bashing and hypocricy and no love for Novak), then I'll have no problems turning my back on it and watching the somewhat more "brainless" tennis of the WTA. But I don't believe that will happen. Just something I wanted to state.

More Novak thoughts

So something quite interesting, to say the least, happened yesterday with Novak. Here is a quick sumup:

- Novak calls for 2 injury timeouts during his match vs. Robredo
- Media thinks Novak is faking his injuries, using timeouts as gamesmanship
- Robredo says Novak puts on a show and is quick to call trainer
- After media prodding, Andy Roddick makes a joke saying Novak has "16 injuries" including "SARS, bird flu" and also says he may be quick to call trainer
- Media makes more articles, implying that Roddick means that Novak is faking and that "everyone" is doubting Novak
- Novak in his post-match interview reacts and says he thinks the crowd is against him because they think he was faking injuries
- Andy says it was clearly a joke and that Novak should be able to handle it
- Novak apologizes for his post-match interview but retains that he is honest and is hurt by the accusations

So, Novak. You are stuck in a hole right now and people are trying to bury you while you try to climb out. Not a good situation. But don't worry, the people who really liked you still like you, including me. Because these people are sick of the "gentlemen" tennis that is going around. Why do you have to be nice to each other when you don't like each other? As long as you aren't cheating, who says that you even need to smile at the net? We know that you like certain people more than others, and vice versa. Why can't it be out in the open? We don't need a "farce" anymore - maybe some people like to believe the tennis world is a happy place for everyone. Um, hello? Not everyone wants to be considered #3 or lower behind Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer. Some people want to be the best - is that wrong?

It's funny that Novak gets into all this shit for doing what he does, being who he is. I hate certain things about him, but yesterday's performance emphasized those things I hate about him as well as those things I love about him. For once he was being who he is - reactive, sensitive, confident, a bit self-centered and ignorant. The things I want for myself - to be more honest with myself - is what he was showing everyone out on that court yesterday. I'm sick of being "polite" and so is he. And I feel for him, because he's having a hard time shaking off the ridiculous nature of his parents, which some of has been impressed on him (I might have ranted about this before someone on my blog, since it pisses me off to realize how much of my parents I carry with me for unknown reasons). Seriously, do you expect him to estrange himself from his parents, despite how ridiculous they are? When they, despite their crazy statements and actions, may be the only ones who will always support him no matter what happens? When they were the ones who let him be who he is now, sacrificing so he could go to the Pilic Academy and become a professional tennis player? Tell me how many people would, in his situation, just cut ties with his parents right now and hope casual fans will give him support during the loneliest of times. Like if he has a career-ending injury right now - how many people would stick by him?

But really, in the end Novak is paying for "mistakes" he made before. For being the first to really declare that he'd do anything to win. For being the first to really say that he doesn't give Roger the utmost respect on court and wants to take him down. For doing imitations and having them posted on Youtube, and then trying to please a crowd when U.S. TV asks him to do some. How many people would do the same as him? Especially in the last instance, how players would go on U.S. TV and absolutely refuse to do imitations when asked, especially players wanting to win over the crowd. "No, sorry. I rather not piss other players off." How many of them have the foresight? Because the imitations only became an "issue" once Novak did them on TV.

I think in a way that Novak is "meant" to be hated. People don't like how he wants to break up the "harmony" between Roger and Rafa (which is more important than when Roger and Andy were 1-2 because Andy fucking bowed down to Roger like no other during that time). Now I want Novak to "embrace" those thoughts, "Michael Phelps" his way to the title by using their accusations and "hatred" as ammunition. I mean, the only way people are going to believe he is injured now is if he shows some actual damage - like discoloring or blood or swelling, while almost every other player gets the benefit of the doubt. He's only going to shake the "faker" label if he dies on court or something. Even if he never has to take an injury timeout again - unless he is showing some damage, he'll always be the "faker" to people. Even Jelena could be faking her life away and Novak will always be the "faker". So Novak just needs to be himself, say "Fuck you" to everyone and win some more slams. Take that, haters!

Novake!

Novake! Čuj mi!

Zašto nije srećan? Vidim te i mislim da ne voliš da igraš. Da li misliš od resultata i ne tenis? Da li je tenis posao i nije radost? Ne volim da vidim te nesrećan. Nije važna pobjedna kad nisi srećan. Tužna sam da vidim te ovako. Molim da se sećaš radost kad igraš.

Pardon the terrible Serbian/Croatian I typed above. But seriously Novak, I just want to see you happy. If you don't want to be there, you don't have to. I'll understand.

Where My Parents and I Don't Agree

I just got yelled at for watching more tennis, this time on my computer. Because I had basically watched from about 11 to 5, and then 7 until now, except for a break to eat a mandatory snack. No wonder why I got so fat under when I lived at home. Anyway it's obviously not the only thing I've been yelled at about. I forgot to clean the bathtub, and only cleaned the bathroom when asked. I don't go out of my way to cook when my Dad is anal and must control the food supply. I don't go out of my way to talk to them, I don't exercise a lot, I'm on the internet.

Basically I'm not on the same wavelength as my parents. I don't care about the same things that they do. I don't have much to talk about with them. Half of what I believe is different from what they do. Maybe it's too weird for them to understand that I am different from them because they are like "we raised her, why doesn't she do what we expect her to?" But somehow I am an introvert who is very sensitive and unable to hide my feelings. I also have an inferiority complex of unknown origin still. So I think too much about what people mean and how they react to things I do, things I say, but I can't help but say the first things that come to mind. I self-evaluate but have a hard time breaking habits, while my parents scold me for bad habits that they themselves still practice.

So I believe in taking care of things I care about, and not being a busy body. I find inspiration and enjoyment from watching tennis. I would be playing it too, if I had someone to play with or was taking lessons (definitely considering taking lessons some day). Yes, I did enjoy the Democratic Convention speeches and some of them were pretty good, but I also learn from seeing how tennis players deal with nervousness during matches. I'm sorry that athletes inspire me and politicians don't.

I think my dad was mostly pissed off because he watched me watch TV. I wasn't hiding in my room watching TV, like my sister does playing the SIMs. She also had the whole summer off while I am trying to milk 2.5 months which also included 4 weeks not at home. I also spent 3 of these days finishing up my lab summary, and half of my time in Seattle taking care of housing issues. So that stuff for me was very stressful. I'm sorry that it wasn't fun and games for me. But seriously, what do they expect?

I am definitely not coherent when I am pissed off. And I still haven't told them that I am bisexual. I feel like they would either not take me seriously or try to convince me that I am not. I don't even think they understand what it is to be bisexual and might understand me being lesbian a lot better.